Its all good.

Like always, I have way too much to do to be blogging. That's why I haven't been on here in ages .... again. I always promise to "update" more often, and trust me, it crosses my mind every day about what I want to write about. But of course, with 2 little kiddos, my personal things get put off.

I'm trying to do better about sliding in personal "things" though, but in little steps - such as listening to music, reading, taking a long shower. Its crazy.... when you get married, its one thing. When you start the journey of having kids, its another.

My friend Ashley, (who is my long time ago friend from Nashville, and if I was still there, I'm sure we'd venture to be much closer friends! But alas, thank you to facebook....) put up a quote on her facebook page the other day that rang true to me: "What is most characteristically human about us is the tension between the desire to be 'free' - self identifying and self choosing - and to be 'related' - to love and be loved." (A quote by Paul Tillich.)

I so often find myself in such a bind as this. Never ever ever would I want to change my current situation. But I think most all that are in a committed relationship - albeit marriage, a parent, or simply an employee - find themselves longing for the simplicity (or what seems to be at the time of reflection) of running solo with no one to tell you who to be, where to go, or what to do.

Maybe I just long for this in short bursts. I love the time that I have with my family and often have scary flashes of "what would this life be like without....." and have to hold back the sobs, and think happy in-the-moment-now thoughts. But a few hours here and there of quiet would do me some good. Too much time away and I start getting nervous about what/how my family is doing (without me to wipe noses and butts), and I also start to miss them - terribly. (The old adage comes to mind though: "How can I miss you if you never go away?")

But yes, there are little things that I've been trying to do for my selfish needs of peace and serenity so that I can maintain a sense of individuality in my little world that puts such heavy demands on my attention, energy, and personal time.

1. I've always wanted more time to read and I never - EVER - have time to read. And when I say "read," I'm not talking about magazines (although itd be nice to peruse a magazine from cover to cover without skipping directly to the recipes to figure out a quick dinner). I'm talking about reading classic works of literature like "A Tale of Two Cities" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" and .... well..... so many, many others. So - over Christmas, I caught a commercial for Audible app on the iphone and jotted it down on a nearby index card for a reminder to investigate the app when I have time. I downloaded the app a few days later and gave it a whirl. Audible is an audio book app that reads books to you (much like the book-on-tape). I loaded a couple of excerpts of books - the first title "The Vampire Hunters" with a picture of Abraham Lincoln on the cover, which, thankfully were free :30 min samples because that book was HORRIBLE - and the second was "A Farewell to Arms" by Hemingway. Lovely choice. Once I delved into learning about memberships, I learned I already had the option to purchase books on my itunes account, and as I wasn't sure how much I was going to use particular thing vs. how much I should spend if I don't use it as much, I decided to give it a good try on Itunes first, opting for Audible membership later of which I can receive books at bargain basement prices instead of full cost. So now.... when I squeeze in a run at the end of the day - and yes it is dark and cold when I do go running - I listen to books, not music. And I absolutely have fallen in love. And it makes my exercising go by so very quickly. I finally don't have to wait until I die and go to heaven to delve into the classics! :) Although I'll probably have to keep reading up There, as I'll never pace quickly enough to cover them all down here.

2. Pandora radio has opened up a world of love to me as well. I've fallen deeply in love with Nat King Cole as of late and have wanted to hear his music and others much similar to him, ie Frank Sinatra, Etta James, Ella Fitzgerald, Rosemary Clooney, Bobby Darin, etc etc. I slap my pandora radio on Nat King Cole while I'm cooking or putting on my make up, and put a smile on my face. If my kids are around, they usually fall victim of me grabbing them up for a quick dance around the kitchen before squealing with laughter for me to put them down.

3. Running has always been my moment of escape and release. I just try as hard as I can to get it in before its too late. Its winter now and I look forward to spring and summer nights so I can run when the sun is still out. But for now, thank you to the reflector bands I picked up at the military bases along the way in my travels back in the day. When I'd run on the bases during my travels, I was required to wear reflective material at all times. Some sort of rule. Sooo..... Guantanamo Bay reflectors are keeping me going to this day.

4. Scheduling my kids days has become a lifesaver. Not every day do we stay on course, but probably 4 or 5 days out of 7 usually hit the mark and get everyone going in the right direction at the right time. I have to keep my head straight and solid so as to not fight with my kids when "its time" to do go x, y, or z. Its "Just the way it is" kids. Then they get up on time, nap on time, eat on time, do homework on time, and go to bed on time. And I can breath on time.

Ok...... time to let the sitter go. :) Unfortunately my day has been an utter waste. I got off on the wrong foot by spilling 1/2 a bottle of water on my computer when I have a to-do list the size of the declaration of independence. But it all goes down one way for a reason, and so the day seems like a waste to me - but it wasn't to Him. And in that, I find serenity.

God bless....

xo,
katie